Dating for marriage as an Indian in the US: where the Kundali fits
You live in the US, or Canada, or the UK. You're dating, and you mean it: you want to marry. Somewhere in the family a question about kundalis is waiting for you. This post is about where that question fits, so it helps you early instead of ambushing you late.
I built a Kundali app, so you can guess where I stand. I'll still try to be fair to both sides here: to the way you actually meet people where you live, and to the question your family is going to ask about them.
What dating for marriage means
Dating covers a lot of ground. Here I mean one thing: meeting people on your own, with marriage as the point, and saying so early. Not casual. Not "let's see where this goes" with no end in sight.
It isn't an arranged introduction either. You choose who to meet, and you choose when your family hears about it. Call it Indian dating, desi dating or South Asian dating. The question underneath is the same: are we both doing this to marry?
If you've felt torn between the way your parents found each other and the way your friends meet today, this is the middle of that road. You don't have to pick a side of it.
Why it gets harder abroad
No numbers in this section, because I don't have any I'd stand behind. Just the shape of the problem.
In India, a family's network does part of the looking. Someone knows a family. Someone's cousin studied with her brother. Abroad that network is usually thinner, and the people who share your background are spread across a metro area, or a continent.
So you date the way everyone around you dates. That works for meeting people. It works less well for the two things an Indian family tends to want settled before a wedding: that both of you mean marriage, and that somebody has looked at the charts. The first you can ask on a first date. The second usually turns up much later.
The Kundali usually arrives too late
In many families the chart comes up after you've met someone, and sometimes after you've decided. That is the worst moment for it. A check that takes a few minutes becomes a verdict on a person you already care about, delivered on a video call from another time zone.
None of that is the chart's fault. It's the timing.
Move the check to the front
The fix is boring. Check early, while a low number is still information and not heartbreak.
You need three things from each of you: date, time and place of birth. It's an odd thing to ask someone you've just met. If you're both dating to marry, it's also a fair one.
Born in New Jersey, Toronto or Leicester? It works the same. A Kundali is worked out from when and where you were born, wherever that was. If you don't know your birth time, here is where to look for it, and here is what still works without one. A rough time usually does.
Then put both sets of details into the Kundali matching calculator. It's free. You get a score out of 36 across eight checks, each one explained, and a Nadi or Bhakoot dosha is flagged if there is one.
What the number can tell you, and what it can't
The score is called Guna Milan, or Ashtakoota: eight checks that add up to 36. The classic minimum is 18. On Bhava, 18 to 23 is a good match, 24 to 31 is strong, and 32 or more is rare.
The total isn't the whole story. A zero on Nadi or on Bhakoot is a dosha, and it matters more than the total. Many families talk it over with a pandit. How many gunas should match goes through it properly.
Then the limits. No chart, no score and no app can promise forever. Two people still have to show up for each other, every single day. How much weight you give the number is up to you. Many people use it the way their family would, as one signal among many. I wrote more about that in is Kundali matching necessary?
Your parents, from another time zone
Distance changes how parents take part. They can't meet anyone over chai, so they ask for what travels: a photo, a profile, a chart.
You decide when that starts. Some people tell their parents on day one. Some wait until there is someone worth mentioning. Either is fine. What tends to go badly is the surprise: a person and a wedding plan arriving in the same phone call.
On Bhava, family joins only if you invite them. A parent or sibling gets their own view of your matches and the scores, and can leave you private notes. They can't message anyone or read your chats, and you can remove them any time. If your parents would rather read about it themselves, there is a page written for them.
Where Bhava fits
Bhava is dating for marriage with the check already done. Every evening at 7 you get a few introductions, up to five, each scored out of 36 against your chart, with the reasons in plain words. There is no swiping. A chat opens only when you both say yes. It's free on iPhone and Android.
People ask whether that makes it a dating app or a matrimony app. The longer answer is here.
One honest thing before you download it. Bhava opens city by city, when a city's list can support a few good matches every evening, and not before. Your city may not be open yet. Each one has its own page and its own list: Bay Area, New York City, New Jersey, Dallas–Fort Worth, Houston, Chicago and the Washington DC area in the US, Toronto in Canada, London in the UK. The rest are on the cities page. Join your city's list and you'll hear the day it opens.
Until then, the calculator works wherever you are.
Bhava notes
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