Questions to ask before you say yes
You matched. Both of you said yes, the chat opened, and the score is sitting at the top of it. Now what do you talk about? Dating apps taught a whole generation to open with a joke and keep it light. That works for a date. It doesn't get you to a marriage. I kept asking myself why things fall apart even when two people truly care about each other, and part of the answer, I think, is that nobody asked the plain questions early. So here are the questions I would want answered before I said yes, and where in the conversation each one fits.
Start with the score. It's already on the table.
Both of you have seen the number. On Bhava it's on the card, out of 36, with a word next to it. So talk about it. Open "You two, in depth" from the chat: both charts, all eight kootas, and the doshas in plain words.
If there's a dosha, the app has flagged it. A shared Nadi scores 0 of 8. Moon signs in a 2/12, 5/9 or 6/8 pairing score 0 of 7 on Bhakoot. One of you Manglik and the other not is a flag of its own. Bhava applies no cancellation to any of these. Tradition has rules that soften a dosha, and many families go to a pandit for exactly that, but we leave that to your family and your pandit. The app's job is to tell you, even when the total looks great.
So the first serious question is an easy one: "Has your family looked at the score? What did they say about the dosha?" It's about tradition and family, not about either of you. It tells you how the other side treats the chart: as a wall, as a conversation, or as something they would rather not discuss. All three are answers.
The questions that matter more than the number
A high score says your charts agree. It doesn't say where you'll live. These are the ones I would make sure got asked, in whatever order the conversation allows.
- Where do you want to be living in five years? City, country, and how far from your parents.
- What place do you see for your parents in your married life? Same house, same city, a few visits a year. There is no wrong answer, only a mismatch.
- Work. Do you expect both of you to keep working? What changes when a child comes?
- Money. Joint or separate. Who sends money home, and how much. Any loans either of you is carrying.
- Children. Whether, when, and how many. Which language they'll speak at home, which rituals they'll grow up with.
- Faith in daily life. Puja at home, fasting, festivals. How much of it you want to keep, and how much you would want from them.
- Food and habits. Veg or not, alcohol or not, and whether that changes when parents visit.
- Health, and the past. Anything the other person should hear from you before they hear it from someone else.
None of these need a long answer. A short honest one is better. And every one of them is a question you can put to yourself first.
When to ask what
A chat on Bhava marks a few points as you go: 5 messages, 15, 30 and 50. They are there to show you a conversation moving, not to tell you what to say. But they map well onto where these questions fit.
The first few messages
Who you are, why you're on Bhava, what your week looks like. If you're the one saying hello first (on Bhava that needs Plus; replying is free), do it soon. A match with no first message closes after two days.
Around 15 messages
At 15 messages, or after three days of talking every day, the chat suggests a video call as a next step. It's a suggestion, not a call inside the app; you set it up however you both like. This is where the five-year question and the parents question belong. On a call you hear how someone answers, not just what they type.
Around 30 messages
"Share your number" opens. A phone number never goes into a message on Bhava; if you type one, the app catches it before it sends. After 30 messages you can pass it on through a private card instead. Sharing is a Plus perk; the person receiving it needs nothing. I think the wait is right. By this point you should have talked about money, work and children, or know why you haven't.
Around 50 messages
The chat offers "Suggest a meeting": coffee, dinner, a walk in the park, this weekend or next week. With Plus, "When to meet" picks a good time this week in plain words. Before you sit across from someone with marriage on the table, you should know their answers to everything in the list above. Meeting is for the things a list can't hold.
Nothing stops you asking the hard ones at message three. But the person who asks about children in the first hour is usually filling in a questionnaire, not getting to know a person.
Bring your family in. Just not into the chat.
If a parent or a sibling is linked to your account, they see this match too: the Kundali score out of 36, the doshas, family and education. They never see the chat, they can't message anyone, and they leave private notes that only you see, never the person they're about. The other person's family, if linked, sees the same for them.
That gives you two honest questions. To the other person: "Is your family on Bhava with you? What did they think?" And to your own family: "Read the notes." A mother who tags a match "we know the family" or "a concern" has given you something to raise, in your own words, at the right time. The parents' guide says more about how to use those notes well.
The score is something both families can look at before either of you has said much. Birth details stay private in the app, so if your family's pandit wants to look at the full chart, you ask for them, the way families always have. Offer yours in return.
What you don't have to ask
A few things are already settled before a chat opens on Bhava. Everyone in it is 18 or over and here for marriage, not dating. Every introduction was scored against your chart before you saw it, on all eight kootas, and nobody under 18 of 36 was introduced. Both of you can see the score and the doshas, in plain words, with nothing hidden to make the number look better. And every selfie that comes in is checked by a person on our team; the selfie itself is never shown.
So you don't have to open with "are you serious about marriage?" You can spend those messages on the questions that are actually yours.
Say yes to a person, not a number
A 30 with different answers on children is a harder marriage than a 20 where both of you want the same life. The number gets you to the conversation. The conversation gets you to the yes. No chart, no score and no app can promise forever; two people still have to show up for each other, every single day.
If you want to see what the number looks like between two charts before any of this, the calculator does it with a date, time and place for each of you. If you're wondering how high is high enough, start with how many gunas should match, and for what sits behind the eight kootas, read what Ashtakoota Milan is.
Bhava notes
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